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What the hell is a Bayonetta?

I’m completely baffled by this ‘Bayonetta’. Is it like a Viennetta? Can you eat a Bayonetta? Does it melt?

Don’t answer those last two. Edge says:

Bayonetta is nearly flawless. We’re not talking about the witch herself, though that’s also true. Bayonetta is the kind of game you dream of playing, the kind of game every platform needs, and the kind of game any developer with ambition would fantasise about having on their CV. From start to finish its intricate and intuitive fighting system is a masterclass, and it even finds time to reclaim vehicle levels. This is about as good as it gets.

I just – I must be looking at the wrong thing.

I watched a demo at MCM last October, inside a booth packed with young men earnestly pawing control pads in the hope of making her do that thing where her hair comes off, and it looked very explodey, and she looked very flexible, but the whole package was not in the least bit appealing. (I spent ten minutes chortling over Scribblenauts instead.)

The advert is dripping with five star reviews and the highest praise, while displaying something entirely incomprehensible to human eyes in the background. They’ve slapped a pair of groovy specs on an 8-foot warrior maiden with boobs bigger than her head whose hair is also her clothing. It might be the glasses that are throwing me off, actually. I don’t understand what happened in that meeting. It’s all so confusing.

Some Bayonetta concept art. Those are guns, on all of her limbs.

The Xbox360 demo is like being thrown into a washing machine with five angry cats; the animation looks like old school Dynasty Warriors, for the most part you can’t see her behind CAPTAIN HUGE ANGEL MONSTER and when you do, you have very little notion of how any buttons correspond to any moves whatsoever. It’s like a technicolour yawn.

And yet, all this praise. I feel compelled to own it, just to see if it’s me who has to level up.


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