(I was going to call this ‘The Grooviness Index,’ but nobody wants to be groovy anymore, do they?)
Whenever I’m feeling a bit down, I evaluate myself on my Coolness Index to bring my self esteem up.
I try and honestly evaluate myself against previous days in my life and decide how cool I am at this moment. Note: these questions change every time. It’s a good way of making sure I don’t get full of myself by repeatedly listing something I did three years ago that was ace, and also a way to make certain that I include recent pratfalls. There are rules, oh yes.
- Have you used the word ‘groovy’ today? That’s bad. Next time, say ‘sexy’
- What does your hair look like? (Today it looks like a big red mushroom, which I’m perversely rather pleased with. Ten points)
- How many times have you checked BBC news today? (More than 10 is too many. There is such a thing as being a news ass. There’s also such a thing as not doing enough work. And work is cool! You get money for doing work, so you can buy things. Things are definitely cool; if not, then why would you have so many of them?)
- How many different shops is your current outfit from, and who bought it? (One shop is bad. Your Mum is bad. Anything else is by default very cool, as it implies you have seen the world, or at least two places in it)
- Have you blogged today? (Blogs are pretty awesome)
- What are you reading? Is it any good? Is it rubbish? If it’s a magazine, there’s a 50/50 chance it’s rubbish. Put it down
- Have you stuck your tongue out at a baby/child today? (Stop doing that, people think it’s weird in this climate of fear)
- What was the last film you saw? (At the moment, the answer is A Nightmare on Elm Street, a hilarious and shitty remake of a stone cold classic rubbish/nonsense horror film. This just scrapes muster. Frankly, seeing it at all was only to wipe Street Dance 3D off the slate)
- What was the last cool thing you did? (Today it was bringing a whole punnet of grapes to work with me. Later I’m going to share them. Sharing is COOL. I suppose the last very cool thing I did was completing Professor Layton and the Curious Village, because some of that shit is fiendish. Oh and I got my ears pierced. Yeah, that’s right, I’m 26. Daddy Cool)
- When was the last time you went out dancing? (Umm. Next!)
- When was the last time you did an arty thing? (I’m going to make a collage! I’ve been cutting things out of the newspaper. AWESOME)
At the end of an internal dialogue like that is where I pretty much want to eat crisps until I explode and hopefully leave behind something more valuable, like my organs. Today it’s not so bad. Yay!