Tag Archives: captain arsehole

The Coolness Index

(I was going to call this ‘The Grooviness Index,’ but nobody wants to be groovy anymore, do they?)

Whenever I’m feeling a bit down, I evaluate myself on my Coolness Index to bring my self esteem up.

I try and honestly evaluate myself against previous days in my life and decide how cool I am at this moment. Note: these questions change every time. It’s a good way of making sure I don’t get full of myself by repeatedly listing something I did three years ago that was ace, and also a way to make certain that I include recent pratfalls. There are rules, oh yes.

  • Have you used the word ‘groovy’ today? That’s bad. Next time, say ‘sexy’
  • What does your hair look like? (Today it looks like a big red mushroom, which I’m perversely rather pleased with. Ten points)
  • How many times have you checked BBC news today? (More than 10 is too many. There is such a thing as being a news ass. There’s also such a thing as not doing enough work. And work is cool! You get money for doing work, so you can buy things. Things are definitely cool; if not, then why would you have so many of them?)
  • How many different shops is your current outfit from, and who bought it? (One shop is bad. Your Mum is bad. Anything else is by default very cool, as it implies you have seen the world, or at least two places in it)
  • Have you blogged today? (Blogs are pretty awesome)
  • What are you reading? Is it any good? Is it rubbish? If it’s a magazine, there’s a 50/50 chance it’s rubbish. Put it down
  • Have you stuck your tongue out at a baby/child today? (Stop doing that, people think it’s weird in this climate of fear)
  • What was the last film you saw? (At the moment, the answer is A Nightmare on Elm Street, a hilarious and shitty remake of a stone cold classic rubbish/nonsense horror film. This just scrapes muster. Frankly, seeing it at all was only to wipe Street Dance 3D off the slate)
  • What was the last cool thing you did? (Today it was bringing a whole punnet of grapes to work with me. Later I’m going to share them. Sharing is COOL. I suppose the last very cool thing I did was completing Professor Layton and the Curious Village, because some of that shit is fiendish. Oh and I got my ears pierced. Yeah, that’s right, I’m 26. Daddy Cool)
  • When was the last time you went out dancing? (Umm. Next!)
  • When was the last time you did an arty thing? (I’m going to make a collage! I’ve been cutting things out of the newspaper. AWESOME)

At the end of an internal dialogue like that is where I pretty much want to eat crisps until I explode and hopefully leave behind something more valuable, like my organs. Today it’s not so bad. Yay!

2 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

What is blog?

I’ve suddenly realised that this whole blog endeavour is basically a failure. When I started out, I was following my strictest blogging guidelines evar:

  • HAVE AN OPINION(people who blog have opinions! Eventually other people think their opinions are important and send them material things to review! That is the dream)
  • DON’T POST NONSENSE (aka BE SERIOUS)
  • Post TWICE A DAY motherfucker
  • If you don’t post, DON’T EXPLAIN and DON’T APOLOGISE (this always makes me think of the back of the Daily Mail magazine, which I used to read when I was little and my parents were less informed, where Mrs Mills would answer your questions and there was a cartoon picture of her looking all grown-up and clever and sophisticated and under the picture it said ‘no correspondence will be entered into’, because she was just that kind of busy woman who was totally a real person with a life)

I still hate when blogs get going all quick and then turn to nothing but the occasional apology for not posting. I always feel that the effort you go to in order to post an apology should be better used to post a real, delicious post with nyammy interesting content, nyam nyam nyam, even if it is just something simple and quick, like a link to something awesome.

(Other redundant and irritating things on the internet: overly personal conversations over Twitter, cries for help in Facebook statuses, posting on a forum to announce you’re leaving said forum. This was a huge bracket that gave details and examples but I slayed it to death, mostly because I realise that I am Captain Arsehole about some things, and these are definitely some of them, and nobody wants to hear about it, so shut up, me.)

I should mention that I decided to set this thing up when I was going through a period of deeply oppressive misery, which was leading to a build-up of rage. Rage gave me the impetus to post all the freaking time for a WHOLE week. This was a time when I didn’t really have the free time to be doing it, but my RAGE propelled me forward like a VOLCANO FLAME GOD.

So now it’s better, I have a new job and am generally going through a period of relative calm, being able to afford things like a small holiday to Cornwall without weeping, that sort of thing, and the RAGE is gone, and instead there is only a weak creative urge to make something. I’m not very good at having opinions because I hate impassioned debate, i.e., defending myself, and I usually change my mind halfway through or try to change the subject, mostly by bringing the conversation round to food. I like posting nonsense, most of my life is made of of nonsense. And I have a bit more time now, but I’m still working, and I have to blog every day for work, so my word/brain-quota gets used up fairly quickly.

So I have this blog, which has a totally effing sweet name, so I can’t just abandon it like I did the ladybird which landed on my boob earlier. (For abandon, read ‘try to put five miles between me and it in the quickest way possible, which is fairly violent when in an office chair with wheels’.)

What would you like to see? Boneheaded stories of me making an ass of myself? Those happen a lot!

7 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized